A Lethargic Lieu Period Before a Life of Luxury

Getting somewhere to stay has been tougher than I had expected.

For instance, a studio apartment in Dubai Marina (on the outer west edge of the red part in the graphic below) can cost up to Dh120,000 and certainly no cheaper than Dh80,000 per year. With the current exchange rate of Dh6.8 to the pound, that means the landlords are asking for a minimum of about £11,700. Oh, and they also don't want to be hassled with having to chase you up for your £975 every month, instead it is easier if you just give them the year's rent up front. One payment. Easy.

So, it's £12,000 for a studio apartment, but if you get a two-bedroom, or better still, a four-bedroom, the price falls a little. Four-bedroom villas in the nice areas (the red part (Umm Suqeim, Al Sufouh and Al Manara) and some of light green area along the coast (Jumeirah)) will set you back on average, about Dh230,000. Between four that is Dh75,000 each. A little cheaper but still daylight robbery by the greedy, godforsaken landlords. And there is still that little matter of paying in one cheque. But hey, it's only £33,700 each year. To rent!

We have had an absolute nightmare finding somewhere to stay. The people at work have said that they have never met anyone who has had such trouble finding a place to live. Especially when our one and only requirement is that it has a pool. (What's the point in living in one of the hottest places on Earth if you can't squeeze yourself into your speedo for a swim in your back garden?)

We have been all over Dubai looking for somewhere to stay (all travelling in taxis as we have yet to purchase cars -- which is another day's tale). We have looked at two bedroom apartments, looked at four bedroom apartments, agreed to take a six-bedroom villa, then realised we had no chance of getting £32,000 up front. We have looked at five-bedroom villas, agreed to take a four-bedroom villa, paid Dh10,000 deposit, had our deposit returned to us when the current tenant decided she wanted to stay an extra month -- just because -- and finally found a four-bedroom villa that we have verbally agreed to take. We are now just waiting for the real estate company to produce the contract so we can sign on the ......................................

The villa is on the edge of Knowledge Village and Internet City. It has four bedrooms and a maid's room and two of the bedrooms are ensuite -- which have been claimed by me and Matt as our finders' fee. I will be having the master bedroom since I found the villa and Matt has secured himself the other ensuite room by his willingness to get a loan to help pay the yearly rent up front.

The villa also has a pool and a gym, and is situated just a seven minute drive from work. It's ideal. So long as we get this contract to sign we will be sorted. Although, saying that, it is by no means cheap. And we don't get the keys until November 20.

Having managed to blag five weeks free accommodation thanks to some friendly workmates' willingness to let us sleep in their maid's room, and an incompetent HR Department who, after telling us we had two weeks in The Arabian Park Hotel, booked an extension but forgot to tell us and so paid for an empty room for a week, we have now got a proper roof over our heads and can consider unpacking our bags.

We are currently residing in a Sheikh's palace in Al Baarsha (the light green area directly west of my work) on a month-by-month basis. It really is a palace as well; absolutely massive and has pool, two maid's rooms, parking for maybe eight cars, remote controlled security gates etc. It is a really nice villa that is as good as brand new.

As great as the house looks I am by no means living the life of luxury. We have nothing but our clothes that we brought with us so we are essentially squatting in a massive room. Myself and Matt have actually been sharing a bed for the past three nights -- an arrangement I have found myself, rather distressingly, fairly comfortable with. The pool is out of order, which wouldn't be a problem as the beach is only a Dh10 taxi ride, but the villa is in the middle of the desert. And as none of Dubai's roads have names yet it is extremely hard to try and get a taxi to come and pick you up.

In Dubai, "Where The Streets Have No Names", when booking a taxi you tell the driver the nearest landmark and where to go from this, ie, 'take a left after Mall of the Emirates and then a right after the petrol station'. We have had no such luck. We literally have only two landmarks close by: one is the Djibouti Embassy and the other is a tree.

This means that in the mornings before work, we need to walk a mile to the nearest busy road where we can flag a taxi. On a dry day in Scotland that might be quite reasonable, but on a dry day in the Middle East -- and 361 days of the year are dry out here -- it is sweat-inducing and extremely tiring. We need two showers before we even start work and have taken to sponging ourselves down like a couple of old vagabonds in the Emirates Today bathrooms. Not really ideal.

It's all a life experience and it seems we can take some positives out of it: a couple of the girls at the office said that Me and Matt "are pure comic value" and "just a calamity of disasters". Touching words.

And that is you up to date with my living arrangements.